I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
