like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
