the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize