you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
pray to the hookup gods
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
