i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
