I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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