This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
