i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
