We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I need to calm my uterus...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize