Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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