I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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