so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Enjoy the penises
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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