matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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