Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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