my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize