dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
40s are totally the cure
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
