i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
