I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
