wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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