Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
