I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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