not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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