so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
