it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
