you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize