I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
