I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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