just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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