i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
