i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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