Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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