Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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