I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
