his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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