My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
