so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
