call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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