I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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