I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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