Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize