70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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