It's Friday. Sex?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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