When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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