Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
