he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize