I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
