hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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