the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize