You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
