just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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