Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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