Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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