This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
