I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was born a porn star she said
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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