Dual....:-)
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
