She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize