it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
