Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
