I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
