my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
