Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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