He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
