he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
