Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
