so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize