Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
worst night to have a conscience
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
